What do you call a French sabreur?
A Hungarian wannabe.
What do you call a Hungarian foilist?
A French wannabe.
What do you call a South African foilist?
Immigrant!
Fencing Administrators.
How fencing administrators must feel after the Annual General Meeting.
Gangster Olympians
Did you know that the Sicillians wanted to enter their own team in the Olympics, and not fence under the Italian flag?
But, the FIE (the international fencing federation) would not allow it.
Yes, the Sicillians insisted on using switch-blade foils!
Overheard at the Gauteng Team Championships!
President: 'Gentlemen, on your guard.'
Spectator1: 'Gentlemen? My arse!'
Spectator2: 'Um... no thanks.'
An Oscar Wildian fencing moment if ever there was one.
The Final Word on the History of the Development of the Three Weapons
So, after much painstaking historical research in France, Italy and Hungary, I am ready to announce that the truth about the development of the three fencing weapons has finally been uncovered.
My findings follow below:
In the beginning, there was the one true weapon, the only weapon that epitomised all that fencing was and could be, yes you guessed it... foil!
However, it soon became clear that not all presidents were equal, and that some (gasp!) could not even phrase the bouts properly.
So, in an attempt to punish these miscreants, they (the fie) invented epee, a slow, ponderous, extremely boring weapon that required little or no intelligence to preside, and that usually resulted in anguished screams of "Do something, anything. PLEASE!" from the aforementioned presidents; just before they collapsed in a gibbering heap, repeating the words "c'est la coupe double".
Epee was intended as president purgatory!
However, some referees still got the whole awarding of points thing wrong.
They would call halt too soon, declare fencers to be off the piste, or decide that a touch was invalid simply because you were wrapped up in five metres of reel wire, and had your epee between your legs when you made the touch!
Others were just plain stupid.
For these sad cases, the fie invented sabre.
It was now possible for the unknowing, uncaring, stupid and incompetent presidents to award both points and cards totally at random.
With little or no thought, the use of a coin, die or similar tool of chance before the phrase began; the president was able to randomly and (thus perversely) fairly award points points and/or yellow and red cards as never before.
It was no longer necessary to endure long periods of inactivity (as in epee) nor were fencers required to display sublime examples of technical skill and tactical acuity (as in foil).
It was now all non-stop action: cut, hack, slash, beep, scream, point or card (or both) and best of all argument.
Simple fun for the whole family!
So, as I have shown, it was the president and his/her skills (or the lack thereof) that resulted in the development of the three fencing weapons, and not the fencers.
Disclaimer: Any repitition of the above monologue may result in serious physical injury (from epeeists) or grunts of approval (from sabreurs). Please be careful of what you say, and to whom you say it.
